Some of the most colorful CB expressions of the 1970’s came from the cat-and-mouse game played by truckers who hated the 55 (Double nickels) mph. speed limit, and the cops, who tried to catch them speeding

• Convoy: A group of trucks traveling together for safety (from the State Troopers), often exceeding the speed limit.
• Front Door: The lead truck in a convoy. It’s job is to “shake the trees)—spot any Troopers up ahead and warn the other trucks in the convoy to slow down.
• Back Door: The last truck in the convoy “rakes the leaves”—keeps an eye out for Troopers sneaking up from behind.
• Rocking Chair/Easy Chair: A truck in the middle of the convoy. (They can relax, since they’re not shaking the trees or raking the leaves.)
• Hitting The Jackpot: Getting pulled over for speeding. (The flashing lights on a patrol car look like a slot machine.)
• Feeding The Bears: After hitting the jackpot, a trucker has to pull over to the side of the highway to feed the bears, i.e., receive a speeding ticket.
• Brush Your Teeth And Comb Your Hair: Slow down to 55 mph—a State Trooper with a radar gun is “taking pictures” up ahead.
• Plain Brown Wrapper: An unmarked police car.
• Tijuana Taxi: A marked police car.
• Bear In The Air: State Trooper in a helicopter or airplane.
• Someone Spilled Honey On The Road: The bears are everywhere!
• All Clean: No bears in sight.
• Bear In The Bushes: A State Trooper hidden from view.
• Christmas Card: Speeding ticket.
• One Foot On The Floor, One Hanging Out The Door, And She Won’t Do No More: Driving as fast as I can.
• In The Pokey With Smokey: In jail.

Again I hope that you had as much reading these as much as I had writing them. You are probably wondering how I know all these. Well, I could have looked them up online, but I do a bit of traveling from the coast of Washington to the Spokane area and get to hear plenty of these along the way on my own CB radio. I wish that I could say that I haven’t used them, but I have.

Disclaimer: Everything I write should be taken with a grain of salt. While I stand by everything I have ever written (with the exception of me having a small penis) it is my opinion multiplied by 10 for the sake of humor. Nothing in my blogs should ever be taken personally by anyone.

            Some more of my favorite expressions from talking and listening to the CB radio.

• Tin Can:  A CB radio.
• Kojak With A Kodak:  A State trooper with a RADAR gun.  (Kojak was a 1970’s detective.)
• Breaker, Breaker:  What you say when you need to interrupt routine conversation to say something important, like when there’s a Kojak with a Kodak up ahead.
• Come On:  I’m done talking and am waiting for your reply.
• Put The Hammer Down:  Step on the gas pedal; floor it.
• Hammer Lane:  Fast lane or passing lane.
• Sandwich Lane:  Middle lane.
• Granny Lane:  Slow lane.
• Dream Weaver:  A sleepy driver who’s weaving in and out of their lane of traffic.
• Roller Skate:  A car.
• Pregnant Roller Skate:  A Volkswagen Bettle.
• Barbershop:  A low overpass.
• Draggin’ Wagon:  A tow truck.
• Pickle Park:  A highway rest stop.
• Good Buddy:  Used to mean “friend”; now it means “homosexual.”
• Good Neighbor:  What you call your good buddies now that “good buddy” means homosexual.
• Got Your Ears On?:  Are you listening?
• Seat Cover:  A good-looking woman in a vehicle.
• Bumper Sticker:  A car that’s following way too close.
• Hole In The Wall:  A tunnel.
• Bird Dog:  RADAR detector.
• Bear Bait:  A reckless trucker who’s driving fast without a bird dog to spot the Kojaks with Kodaks.
• I’m Gone:  Bye-bye!

Again I hope that you had as much reading these as much as I had writing them.  Stay tuned tomorrow for as third and final edition.

Disclaimer: Everything I write should be taken with a grain of salt. While I stand by everything I have ever written (with the exception of me having a small penis) it is my opinion multiplied by 10 for the sake of humor. Nothing in my blogs should ever be taken personally by anyone.

            CB radio slang was pretty popular in the 1970’s, so these expressions may stir up some memories.  If not, happy reading.  I’m gone!

• Black water:  Coffee.
• Greasy Side Up:  A truck that has flipped over.
• Flop Box:  Motel room.
• Travel Agent:  Dispatcher—the person in a trucking company who gives the truckers their driving assignments.
• Deadheading:  Hauling an empty trailer (since there’s no cargo, you’re not getting paid).
• Hauling Dispatcher Brains:  Deadheading.
• Flip-Flop:  The return trip, as in, “Catch you on the flip-flop.”
• You Are Wall To Wall And Tree Top Tall:  I read you loud and clear.
• 10-4:  Message received and understood.
• Fer Sure, Fer Sure:  10-4
• 10-100:  Bathroom break.
• Salt Shaker:  A snow plow (they salt roads when it snows).
• Running On Rags:  Driving a vehicle with bald tires.
• Ground Clouds:  Fog.
• Scrub Brush:  Street cleaner.
• Motion Lotion:  Diesel fuel.
• What’s Your 20?:  What’s your location?
• Shoveling Coal:  Speeding up.
• Get-em-on/Get-em-off:  The highway entrance/exit ramp.
• Chew-‘N’-Choke:  Truck Stop.
• Lane Flipper:  A car or truck that keeps changing lanes.
• Portrait Painter:  RADAR gun.
• Muck Truck:  Cement Truck
• Peanut Butter In Your Ears:  Not listening to the CB.
• Money Bus:  Armored car.
• Thermos Bottle:  Tanker truck
• Keep The Bugs Off Your Glass And Trouble Off You Ass:  Take it easy (signing off)

I hope that you had as much reading these as much as I had writing them.  Stay tuned tomorrow for as second edition.

Disclaimer: Everything I write should be taken with a grain of salt. While I stand by everything I have ever written (with the exception of me having a small penis) it is my opinion multiplied by 10 for the sake of humor. Nothing in my blogs should ever be taken personally by anyone.

INTRODUCTION

Worldwide controversy has been generated recently from several court decisions in the United States which have restricted popular magazines from printing articles which describe how to make an atomic bomb. The reason usually given by the courts is that national security would be compromised if such information were generally available. But, since it is commonly known that all of the information is publicly available in most major metropolitan libraries, obviously the court’s officially stated position is covering up a more important factor; namely, that such atomic devices would prove too difficult for the average citizen to construct. The United States courts cannot afford to insult the vast majorities by insinuating that they do not have the intelligence of a cabbage, and thus the “official” press releases claim national security as a blanket restriction.

The rumors that have unfortunately occurred as a result of widespread misinformation can (and must) be cleared up. now, I will present to you the construction of a thermonuclear device, which will hopefully clear up any misconceptions you might have about such a project. I will show you how easy it is to make a device of your very own in ten easy steps, to have and hold as you see fit, without annoying interference from the government or the courts.

The project will cost between $5,000 and $30,000, depending on how fancy you want the final product to be. I will present this to you in the new step-by-step format.

CONSTRUCTION METHOD

1. First, obtain about 50 pounds (110 kg) of weapons grade Plutonium at your local supplier (see NOTE). A nuclear power plant is not recommended, as large quantities of missing Plutonium tend to make plant engineers unhappy. I suggest that you contact your local terrorist organization or perhaps the Junior Achievement in your neighborhood.
2. Please remember that Plutonium, especially pure, refined Plutonium, is somewhat dangerous. Wash your hands with soap and warm water after handling the material, and don’t allow your children or pets to play in it or eat it. Any left over Plutonium dust is excellent as an insect repellant. You may wish to keep the substance in a lead box if you can find one in your local junk yard, but an old coffee can and will do nicely.
3. Fashion together a metal enclosure to house the device. Most common varieties of sheet metal can be bent to disguise this enclosure as, for example, a briefcase, a lunch pail, or a Buick. Do not use tinfoil.
4. Arrange the Plutonium into two hemispheric shapes, separated by about 4 cm. Use rubber cement to hold the Plutonium dust together.
5. Now get about 100 pounds (220 kg) of trinitrotoluene (TNT). Gelignite is much better, but messier to work with. Your helpful hardware man will be happy to provide you with this item.
6. Pack the TNT around the hemisphere arrangement constructed in step 4. If you cannot find Gelignite, fell free to use TNT packed in with Playdo or any modeling clay. Colored clay is acceptable, but there is no need to get fancy at this point.
7. Enclose the structure from step 6 into the enclosure made in step 3. Use a strong glue such as “Crazy Glue” to bind the hemisphere arrangement against the enclosure to prevent accidental detonation which might result from vibration or mishandling.
8. To detonate the device, obtain a radio controlled (RC) servo mechanism, as found in RC model airplanes and cars. With a modicum of effort, a remote plunger can be made that will strike a detonator cap to effect a small explosion. These detonator caps can be found in the electrical supply section of your local supermarket. I recommend the “Blast-O-Mactic” brand because they are no deposit-no return.
9. Now hide the completed device from the neighbors and children. The garage is not recommended because of high humidity and the extreme range of temperatures experienced there. Nuclear devices have been known to spontaneously detonate in these unstable conditions. The hall closet or under the kitchen sink will be perfectly suitable.
10. Now you are the proud owner of a working thermonuclear device! It is a great ice-breaker at parties, and in a pinch, can be used for national defense.

THEORY OF OPERATION

The device basically works when the detonated TNT compresses the Plutonium into a critical mass. The critical mass then produces a nuclear chain recation similar to the domino chain reaction (discussed in this column, “Dominos on the March”, March, 1968). The chain reaction then promptly produces a big thermonuclear reaction. And there you have it, a 10 megaton explosion!

NOTE

Plutonium (PU), atomic number 94, is a radioactive metallic element formed by the decay of Neptunium and is similar in chemical structure to Uranium, Saturium, Jupiternium, and Marisum.

Disclaimer: Everything I write should be taken with a grain of salt. While I stand by everything I have ever written (with the exception of me having a small penis) it is my opinion multiplied by 10 for the sake of humor. Nothing in my blogs should ever be taken personally by anyone.

Were you one of those cool people that drove your DeLorean to the Wham! concert, wearing your single white glove and brand new Members Only jacket with the collar turned up? If you know about any of those, then you should enjoy the trip down memory lane with other 80’s fads

Laser Tag: George Carter got the inspiration while watching Star Wars in 1977. It took him years to work out the technology, but in 1984, he opened Photon, a laser tag arcade in Dallas, Texas. Played in a futuristic, cavernous arena, Photon let players shoot light beams at each other while climbing on catwalks surrounded by smoke, lights, and sound effects. Receptors on the players’ chest recorded “hits”; three hits eliminated a player from the half-hour match. Laser tag became a local phenomenon, and soon Photon arenas sprang up all over the United States. They were riding high when a home version of their game hit stores in 1985. Then came the competition. Worlds of Wonder—the company responsible for the Teddy Ruxpin doll—released Lazer Tag, a rip-off of the Photon set that sold better than Photon. Nearly 20 other competitors followed…and they flopped, except for Lazer Tag, which became the hot toy for Christmas 1986. Only problem: Worlds Of Wonder couldn’t make Lazer Tag sets fast enough to keep up with demand. By the time the company ramped up production, kids had moved on to the next thing. The fad was over, and Worlds of Wonder went bankrupt in 1988. The Photon chain closed in 1989.

Swatch Watches: In 1983 Switzerland’s two biggest watchmakers were on the verge of bankruptcy because of competition from cheap Japanese watches. The companies decided to merge, and they needed to com up with a big new idea…quick. Their idea: the Swatch (short for “second watch”)—a brightly colored, casual watch available in a variety of patterns to match the wearer’s outfits. Swatches weren’t cheap: They cost over $30, a lot of money for a plastic watch that you’ll have to throw away eventually (one of the “features” was that there were no serviceable parts). Still, they were a hit. Teenagers, many of whom wore two or more Swatches at once, bought over 3 million in the first two years and over 100 million by the end of the 1980’s.

Garbage Pail Kids: In the 1970’s, the Topps Company made Wacky Packages, trading cards featuring takeoffs on well-known consumer products (example: “Boo-Hoo” and “Cap’n Crud” instead of Yoo-Hoo and Cap’n Crunch). In 1985 they hired comic-book artist Art Spieglman to revive the series, and he came up with “Garbage Pail Kids,” a parody of the massively popular Cabbage Patch Kids dolls. Each card depicted a character doing something disgusting (Heavin’ Steven was a vomiting baby; Fryin’ Brian was a boy getting shocked in an electric chair). Topps liked the cards so much that they made it a separate line. They were gross, revolting…and a smash it. Topps sold more than 200 million packs. But parents objected to the dark subject matter, and, because of the complaints, a planned cartoon of series never aired and a 1987 movie bombed. When Coleco, makers of the Cabbage Patch Kids, sued Topps for copyright infringement in 1988, that slammed the lid on the garbage pail. By the time the two companies settled the suit later that year, sales had dwindled so low that the cards went out of print. (Fun facts: 1. Art Spiegelman also wrote the Pulitzer Prize-winning graphic novel Maus. 2. You can still find Garbage Pail Kids at www.garbagepailkidsworld.com )

Fanny Packs: Based on the clip-on utilty pouches worn by soldiers, fanny packs were first sold to the general public at camping-supply stores in the 1960’s. By the early 1980’s, they had caught on with Norwegian tourist, who wore them in the United States to keep their valuables safe (they thought that America was full of pickpockets). The pack’s popularity grew until they were the fad of 1988—Adweek called the fanny pack “the hottest product of the year”—and the pouches were suddenly everywhere. There were $2 nylon pacs with pictures of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for kids, Day-Glo packs for teenagers , and even $200-plus leather models. By the early 1990’s, fanny packs, along with most other 1980’s fashions, were passé. (But they remain popular with tourists.)

Other 1980’s FADS: Rubik’s Cube, the Walkman, Miami Vice, Chia Pets, Trivial Pursuit, leg warmers, Monchichis, calculator watches, acid-wash jeans, Max Headroom, the California Raisins, Pogo Balls, the Noid, Hulkamania, aviator shades, break dancing, He-Man, hair crimping, bare midriffs for men, Trapper Keepers, Lee Press-On Nails, jelly shoes, and Big League Chew.

I am going to go ahead an put my disclaimer in here even though I see no way that it could offend someone, but in this day and age you have absolutely no idea what people will get offended by.

Disclaimer: Everything I write should be taken with a grain of salt. While I stand by everything I have ever written (with the exception of me having a small penis) it is my opinion multiplied by 10 for the sake of humor. Nothing in my blogs should ever be taken personally by anyone.

Well, seeing how this is a movie blog site and I have not blogged once about a movie or anything cinema for that matter really except for a few, so I figured that it was high time that I did. I picked:

I was very young when this show was on in prime time (I was born in 1976 and the show ran from 1979 - 1985), and my memories of this show aren’t just watching the car jump a creek, blaring the famous “Dixie” horn, but it was a show that I enjoyed watching with my father every Friday night (and when the President was on, we were both ticked off). The plots seem a little too complicated for rural Georgia, but this was never meant to be high drama, only an hour of fun and escapism. For those of you that some how missed the original, here is the plot:

Cousins Bo and Luke Duke and their car “General Lee”, assisted by Cousin Daisy and Uncle Jesse, have a running battle with the authorities of Hazzard County (Boss Hogg and Sheriff Coltrane), plus a string of ne’er-do-wells often backed by the scheming Hogg.

Series set in the rural community of Hazzard. The Dukes are a family who were once moon shiners but when cousins Bo and Luke were caught; they were given probation on the condition that they give up moon shining, which they did. Now every now and then they learn that J.D. Hogg who is called Boss Hogg is up to something so they do what they can to stop him especially when someone close to them is being threatened by Hogg. So along with their Uncle Jesse, their lovely cousin Daisy, and their good friend and mechanic, Cooter they stop every one of Boss’ schemes. They are also fortunate that Hogg’s right hand man, Roscoe Coltrane who is also the Sheriff is not very competent, and that his Deputy though loyal to Hogg and Roscoe is not corrupt and has a thing for Daisy, is a tad clumsy. During the 5th season, Tom Wopat and John Schneider who play Luke and Bo had a contract dispute with the show, so they were written off with them at the NASCAR circuit, so cousins, Coy and Vance came to stay with Uncle Jesse and help him and Daisy with their encounters with Hogg. I will go into a little more detail on each character.

• Luke Duke (Tom Wopat) (1979–1982 & 1983–1985) was the dark-haired, slightly older cousin. More mature and rational than his cousin Bo, he was typically the one who thought of the plan that would get the two out of whatever trouble they had gotten into. Luke was an ex-Marine and a former boxer. He was the more physical of the two, often doing stunts like jumping onto moving cars. As part of their probation, Bo and Luke were not allowed to use firearms, instead using bow and arrows to fight corruption in Hazzard. Luke was best known for his famous “hood slide” across The General Lee, which was seen in the opening credits of the show.

• Bo Duke (John Schneider) (1979–1982 & 1983–1985) was the blond-haired Duke boy. He was the younger, wilder one of the pair. He was more of a “shoot first, ask questions later” type, and was often the one to get the duo into the various scrapes they found themselves in. An ex-stock car test driver, Bo was the one who, in the earlier episodes at least, drove The General Lee most of the time. He was known for taking the car off wild jumps (and landing without a scratch). He and his cousin Luke were under probation for transporting moonshine and were not permitted to carry firearms (which lead to the use of bows and arrows by the two cousins) or leave the county. Along with Luke, Bo regularly fought on the side of justice against the corrupt law officials in Hazzard. Bo was known for his yell, “Yeeeee-Haaa!”

(Unusually, the images of John Schneider as Bo were updated in the fourth season (even though they were still from the first few episodes, (”One Armed Bandits” and “Mary Kaye’s Baby”), whereas the rest of the cast generally had the same shots throughout the run.)

The Duke boys shared the CB handle “Lost Sheep.”

• Daisy Duke (Catherine Bach) was Bo and Luke’s pretty young cousin. She was honest and kind, although could sometimes be slightly over-trusting and naïve, which led the Duke family into trouble on occasion. She sometimes aspired to be a singer, and at other times a reporter. She raced around Hazzard with her cousins, first in a yellow and black 1971 Plymouth Road Runner (although it often turned into a Plymouth Satellite!). She received her trademark white 1980 Jeep CJ-7 “Golden Eagle” with a Golden Eagle emblem on the hood (and the name “Dixie” on the hood sides) after the brakes on her previous car failed, while being driven by Bo and Luke, sending it over a cliff in the second season episode “The Runaway”. (Due to the episodes being broadcast in a different order to that of which they were filmed, the Plymouth made several returns after it was supposedly destroyed.) As with other vehicles in the show, there were different versions of the Jeep shown in various episodes. Sometimes the Jeep would have a different paint scheme with the “Dixie” name on the hood instead of the doors, and it would alternate between automatic and manual transmissions. Daisy worked as a waitress at the Boar’s Nest, the local bar owned by Boss Hogg, as part of an agreement with Boss Hogg so that he wouldn’t throw the Duke boys in jail for breaking probation. The arrangement was supposed to be for an indefinite time, but there were several times throughout the series that Boss fired her. However, he always ended up rehiring her at the end of each episode because of various circumstances. Daisy often used her looks and her position at the restaurant to get insider information to help the Dukes in foiling Boss’s various schemes. Daisy also has the distinction of having her trademark provocatively high-cut jean short shorts named after her: “Daisy Dukes.”

CB Handle: “Bo Peep.”

• Jesse Duke, (Denver Pyle) referred to just by about everyone in Hazzard other than Boss Hogg as “Uncle Jesse”, was the patriarch of the Duke clan, and the father-figure to all Dukes who stayed with him on the dilapidated “Duke Farm.” Jesse apparently had no children of his own, and happily provided for his nephews and niece in the unexplained absence of all of their parents (The creator of the show states on the DVDs that their parents were killed in a car wreck, but it was never mentioned in the show). Jesse Duke, in his youth, had been a Ridge-Runner in direct competition with J.D. Hogg, thus beginning the “feud” between the Dukes and the Hogg’s. However, it should be noted that, while both Boss Hogg and Uncle Jesse would scowl at the mention of the other’s name, the two enjoyed a lifelong “friendship” of sorts, with one helping the other when in desperate need. Jesse educated his nephews against Hogg, and often provided the cousins with inspirational sage advice. Uncle Jesse drove a white 1973 Ford F-100 pickup truck. In the barn, he also had his old moonshine-running car, called “Sweet Tillie” in it’s first appearance (in the first season episode ‘High Octane’), but referred to as “Black Tillie” in subsequent appearances. There seem to be conflicting viewpoints on Jesse’s driving style. Sometimes he likes to take things easy, like in one particular episode where he refuses to let Bo and Luke jump the General Lee while he’s riding in the back, while at other times he himself performs a jump or two and does plenty of skidding around the corners, like the old moon shiner he is.

CB Handle: “Shepherd.”

• Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane (James Best) was the bumbling sheriff of Hazzard County and right-hand man and brother-in-law of its corrupt county administrator, Jefferson Davis “J.D.” Hogg (”Boss Hogg”), whom Rosco referred to as his “little fat buddy”. Although Rosco spent the first 20 years of his career as a mostly honest lawman, after the county voted away his pension Rosco joined Hogg in an effort to fund his retirement. He is also the little brother of Lulu Coltrane Hogg, Boss Hogg’s wife. Rosco frequently initiated car chases with Bo and Luke Duke (whom Hogg wanted to get rid of due to them constantly exposing his corrupt schemes), but the Duke boys were usually able too easily elude Rosco, who often wound up crashing his patrol car in various ways (always escaping uninjured). These chases were often the result of Rosco setting up illegal speed traps such as a 55 mph speed limit sign that would change to 35 mph at the press of a button when somebody drove by, or a Hospital Zone sign in the middle of nowhere. While he enjoyed “hot pursuit” much like a little boy playing with toy cars would, he (and Boss Hogg as well) never intended for anyone to get hurt, which made it just good fun. Rosco’s loyal companion (pictured) is Flash.

Rosco’s name is misspelled in many sources as “Roscoe“. The series itself was not past making this mistake - in the final scene the first episode, “One Armed Bandits”, a banner reads “Welcome Sheriff Roscoe” (presumably the error was spotted mid-way through filming, as the offending e was conveniently covered up by a balloon in a close-up shot).

His middle initial of ‘P.’, was not added until the start of the second season.

Only in one episode (the third season’s “Mrs. Rosco P. Coltrane”) was it revealed that his initial stood for ‘Purvis’.

James Best left the series for a few episodes during the second season, unhappy with the working conditions. In the series, Rosco often got soaked with water crashing his patrol car; Best’s complaint wasn’t that he minded getting wet, but there were unsuitable changing conditions afterwards. During his absence, several other temporary Sheriffs were seen, until the issue was resolved and Best returned as Rosco.

• Boss Jefferson Davis “J.D.” Hogg, (Sorrell Booke), was the wealthiest man in Hazzard County, and owns most of its property and businesses — whether directly or by holding the mortgages over the land. Usually dressed in an all-white suit, he was the fat, greedy, corrupt County Commissioner with visions of grandeur, a voracious appetite for fatty foods, and constantly orders his bumbling sheriff, Rosco, to “Get them Duke Boys!!”. Boss Hogg was also married to Rosco’s sister, a point that did not always sit well with either Boss Hogg or Rosco; and Boss often claimed that Rosco was indebted to him after he had married his (Rosco’s) fat sister. His vehicle was a white 1970 Cadillac de Ville convertible, with bull-horns on the hood. In the first couple of seasons, he was almost always driven around by a chauffeur; from the fourth season onwards, he usually drove himself. His old moonshine-running car was called the “Grey Ghost”. Like Rosco, Boss never tried to hurt anybody, including the Dukes, and when one of the Dukes did get hurt by a bad guy from out of town, Boss and Rosco would usually call a truce with the Dukes until said bad guys were caught.

Just like the exact specifications of the Duke Boy’s probation rules, just what Boss’ powers were exactly, seemed to vary from episode to episode. However, this can be countermanded slightly, as Boss would often bend the law and make up rules to suit himself.

• Cooter Davenport (Ben Jones) was the Hazzard County mechanic, also known as “Crazy” Cooter. In the very early episodes, he was a wild man, often breaking the law (stealing the Sheriff’s patrol car in “One Armed Bandits”, reportedly wrecking Luke’s car prior to the same episode, running moonshine for Boss Hogg in “Mary Kaye’s Baby”, and ‘borrowing’ the President’s Limousine for a joy-ride in “Limo One Is Missing”). By the end of the first season, he had settled down, and become an easy going good ol’ boy. He owned “Cooter’s Garage” in Hazzard County Square, directly across from the Sheriff Department. Cooter was an “Honorary Duke”, as he shared the same values and often assisted the Dukes in escaping Rosco’s clutches, or helped them to foil Boss Hogg’s schemes. Cooter drove a variety of trucks, including Ford’s, Chevy’s, & GMC’s.

CB Handle: “Crazy Cooter.” Often started his CB transmissions with “Breaker 1, breaker 1, might be crazy but I ain’t dumb… Craaaazy Cooter commin’ atcha… “

During the second season, Ben Jones left the series for a few episodes due to a dispute with the producers. They wanted the character to be unshaven, whereas Jones had grown a full beard. In his absence, Cooter’s place was filled by several of Cooter’s supposed cousins, who, in typical Coy and Vance style, were never mentioned before or since. Jones returned when the dispute was solved – Cooter would be clean shaven. (However, for continuity reasons, this didn’t occur until the third season).

• The General Lee was a supped-up 1969 Dodge Charger. It was orange with a Confederate battle flag painted on the roof, and the words GENERAL LEE over each door and the number “01″ on each door. In the first episode (One-Armed Bandits), you could also see a confederate flag and a checkered racing flag in a criss-cross pattern behind the rear window, just in front of the deck lid. The name refers to the American Civil War Confederate General Robert E. Lee. Since it was built as a race car, the windows were always open (probably removed), a roll bar was installed, and officially the doors were welded shut, although in reality they only welded the doors of the cars that were jumped because the extra strength was needed to keep the car from completely buckling and hurting the stunt driver. Through the history of the show, an estimated 229 General Lees were used. Twenty still exist in various states of repair. The upper left corner of the “1″ in the “01″ varied, making for a continuity error. As the show progressed and Chargers became harder to find, they started using 1968 and 1970 models (which shared mostly the same sheet metal) by changing the grill and taillights to the 1969 model year style. The official specs list a 440 Magnum as the engine, which was Chrysler’s largest engine available, but the actual engines in the cars also included 318 small blocks, 383 big blocks, and even the occasional classic 426 Hemi. Occasionally the cars would also have a manual transmission instead of the 727 Torqueflite automatic. These Chargers performed many record-breaking jumps throughout the show, almost all of which resulted in a completely totaled car. If you do a freeze frame on certain landings of the General Lee on the DVDs now available, you can sometimes see the destructive effect a drop of even 8-10 feet can have. For longer jumps, lots of weight had to be added to the trunk to prevent the weight of the engine from flipping the car end over end. The Duke boys had added a custom horn to the General which played the tune of the song “Dixie.” In the first season, the actual horn in the car was used while filming. From the second season on, any instance of the horn playing (along with many other sound effects for the car and its engine) was edited in after filming was complete. The show itself purchased hundreds of Chargers for stunts, as they generally destroyed at least one car per episode. (Real Chargers stopped being used for jumps at the end of the show’s sixth season, and were replaced with miniatures.)

Now, why did I go on this long trip down memory lane? The other night, I was watching Charmed (I think) and I saw an advertisement for The Dukes Of Hazzard—The Beginning. Now, I could handle the movie. I thought that it was pretty good if you take everything that you know about the Dukes TV Series and just evaluated it for its cinematic value. I mean they could have not picked a better person to play Uncle Jessie (Willie Nelson) if they wanted to. That is entirely from a stand point of remembering the series. Now if I were to take the series into account, then the movie was a piece of shit. All they had Uncle Jessie do was tell jokes. In the series, he was wise and down to Earth and of course didn’t smoke pot. The boys were cast ok and were mischievous just like in the series, but again, not the original. Don’t even get me started on that dingy, blonde, no good, worthless, piece of shit Jessica Simpson. Daisy was not blonde and she was not dumb as a fucking rock. The only part of the Daisy that the movie got right was the fact that she would always have to shake her ass to get the boys out of trouble.

I know that I am going to end up watching at least one episode of that piece of shit series on the WB, just so I can see how bad they fuck up the characters. I am sick and tired of all this “prequel” and “the beginning” shit that movies and TV is doing. Some things should not be done. Star Wars, in my opinion, was a trilogy, nothing else. I have not seen the other three that came out and have no intention to.

So, in parting, keep watching movies and TV that makes sense. Fuck all this other shit that producers are doing to get rich and play on stupid people.

Disclaimer: Everything I write should be taken with a grain of salt. While I stand by everything I have ever written (with the exception of me having a small penis) it is my opinion multiplied by 10 for the sake of humor. Nothing in my blogs should ever be taken personally by anyone.

So since it’s coming upon Valentines Day I thought I would bring up the subject of love and what it means to me. Love, what a strange and complex word. I believe that there is different degrees and types of love. Love for family, friends, spouses, and animals are all different from each other. I want to talk about the love between a man and woman.

What is love between a man and woman? I’ve thought about it and had to go back to the days when I was engaged to come up with the answers. No our relationship wasn’t perfect but we loved each other very much. We use to have this thing when we started dating that we were ankle deep in love, then knee deep, waist deep, and then over our heads in love. After reflecting this is what I have came up with.

Love is passion. The type of passion where you can’t stop touching that person, you want to be with that person all the time, you love staring at them, you look forward to the next time you will be with that person. You call or text them just to see how their day is going. Her and I use to talk at least five or six times a day just to talk about trivial things.

Love is friendship. This covers a lot of areas. Friends are people that you trust, that you can’t wait to share important things with, you laugh with, you have fun with, that you can’t imagine your life without them.

Love is looking past imperfections and accepting them. Here is a quote I’d like to share: “There’s beauty in all imperfections, learn to love them.” No one person is perfect and there will never be a perfect person or relationship. Just two people learning to deal with those imperfections and working together to overcome them and accept them.

Love is sharing. Sharing hopes, dreams, wishes. Sharing joys and sorrows. Sharing happiness and excitement. Sharing every aspect of your life not just a small part but everything.

Love is more than just sex. It’s wanting to learn how to please your mate and then once you learn you actually put it to pratice. Sex is just that sex but when there is love there it takes it to a whole new level. A level on a spiritual plane. Where the two of you are one and focused only on eachother.

FUCK THAT SHIT……

I am going to have to go to The J. Geils band for this one:

You love her
But she loves him
And he loves somebody else
You just can’t win
And so it goes
Till the day you die
This thing they call love
It’s gonna make you cry
I’ve had the blues
The reds and the pinks
One thing for sure

(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah

So, those are my feeling on love. Have I ever been in love? I don’t know. I am sure of one thing though, I have stepped in it a couple of times.

Disclaimer: Everything I write should be taken with a grain of salt. While I stand by everything I have ever written (with the exception of me having a small penis) it is my opinion multiplied by 10 for the sake of humor. Nothing in my blogs should ever be taken personally by anyone.

We’ve all done it.  While sitting around with our girlfriends, our boyfriends, our spouses, maybe an affectionate goat, whoever or whatever, we’ve all asked our partners what celebrities they’re most attracted to.  Now, what purpose this serves, I will never completely understand.  But I think we like to imagine that the entertainers we pine for also suggest who we ourselves are.  For example, men who obsess over Jenna Jameson are a very specific type.  Men who obsess over Pamela Anderson are a very similar, very specific type.  Likewise, women who melt when Hugh Grant smiles or swooned loudly when Daniel Craig climbed out of the ocean in Casino Royale are specific types, too. Women who like Kevin Federline are of a certain type, as well, but no one cares about that type anymore anyway.

The point is: The entertainers we dream of being with define our sexual ideals.  It says a bit about whom we really are and what we think we really want.  This is why so many people in relationships have made pacts about what celebrities, if given a chance, they’re allowed to get a free pass to sleep with.  Usually, this is because there’s no chance in hell that either person in the relationship will ever meet their celebrity.

Anyways, today, I thought I’d share this list with you and then ask you to do this:

SHARE WITH ME THREE CELEBRITIES YOU’D ASK YOUR PARTNER TO FORGIVE YOU FOR SLEEPING WITH…AND WHY. WHAT DOES THIS SAY ABOUT YOU? (Feel free to name me. I won’t mind).

And so, without any further adieu, my top ten:

10.     Kate Winslet

I first fell in love with this English starlet after seeing Titanic.  Not only does she have the red hair thing going, she is not some little thing that can hula-hoop through a Cheerio.  I also know that she shares my birthday, which makes her more appealing.  That would be great if your wife had the same birthday as you.  Then what you do is play “romantic” and get married on your birthday and you are set.  You would NEVER forget her birthday or the bigger one…the ANNIVERSARY!  I am a fucking genius.  I should have thought about this a long time ago.

9.        Patricia Heaton

I don’t know that if it just me, but I love Albertson’s commercials.  I thought that the female that was doing them was beautiful.  I then found out through the grapevine that her name was Patricia Heaton and she was also on the show Everybody Loves Raymond.  So, now I have every season that they have out on DVD right now.  Call me weird but she is sexy…I think it is the red hair (are you noticing a pattern?).

8.        Debra Messing

Here we go with another red head, and she has to be on Will and Grace.  That is highly unfortunate.  The reason that I say that, is I do not think society accepts the fact that straight men watch that show.  I am here to tell you I love pussy and this show.  I watch it every chance that I get.  I am mostly watching Debra, but the show is funny too.  And in case you didn’t notice, she is a redhead too.

7.        Vanessa Marcil

Now if I was embarrassed about knowing Debra Messing, I am even more embarrassed about knowing Vanessa Marcil.  Why you ask?  Well if you go back in her filmography, you will find out that Ms. Marcil is formerly from the cast of General Hospital.  The sad thing is, this is where I fell in love with her beauty.  For the love of God, what is a guy doing watching a Soap?  Don’t ask….please don’t ask!  I will give you a hint, pussy was involved.  Now she is on the wonderful and sexy show Las Vegas and I don’t feel so bad watching her all the time.  Again, notice the hair!

6.        Neve Campbell

Introducing my first non-redhead.  I have loved Neve Campbell since she played Bonnie in The Craft.  Then the hits just kept on rolling for Neve as she played Sidney Prescott in the Scream trilogy.  She also stared in Panic and Wild Things.  Ms. Campbell loved the small screen too.  She played Julia Salinger in Party of Five.  Keep the movies and shows coming Neve you are a great actress.

5.        Shania Twain

I know that she is not an actress, holy shit GOD BLESS CANADA for her.  I know that other celebrities have come from Canada, but this is the one that I am most thankful for.  I think that she is the greatest female country singer since Dolly Parton and Reba McEntire.  Her top hits include:  Man, I Feel Like A Woman, From This Moment On, Any Man Of Mine, and Honey I’m Home.  She is also know for her sexy if not a little risqué music videos.

4.        Emily Proctor

And now for my first blonde of the list.  I am pretty sure why she does it for me.  It is the southern.  I just love a woman with a southern.  These women drip with honey.  They could say, “Oh, go to hell!” and I would kinda want to go.  In case you are not in the know, Emily is in the successful T.V. series CSI: Miami.  So, not only is she beautiful, she plays a very intelligent blonde (I guess thank Gods for Hollyweird).

3.        Kirsten Dunst

I know that she is legally blonde, but she looked hotter than hell in the Spiderman trilogy with red hair.  I couldn’t bring myself to think she was hot until she made Bring It On.  You know the whole, “15 will get you 20 story.”  Now that she is a little older I feel comfortable in saying she is hot.  She still needs to eat a cookie or two to get some meat on her, but she has potential.  I hope they keep making the Spiderman movies, so I can continue to see her in the red hair.

2.        Alyssa Milano

Come on this girl was hotter than hell when she was on Who’s The Boss.  I know what you are thinking.  You are thinking that I am a dirty old man.  I don’t think so.  That show was on from 1984 – 1992 and Alyssa was born in 1972 and I was born in 1976, so she was older than me when I was watching and thinking she was hot.  Then she did Embrace Of The Vampire and I fell in love with her body to more of an extent.  For those of you that don’t know Embrace Of The Vampire was a soft-core adult film.  When they cast her as Phoebe on Charmed I didn’t think things could get better.  She was hot and she could cast spells.

1.        Holly Marie Combs

I am pretty sure that if I believed in the Devil, I would hypothetically sell my soul to him for one night alone with her.  She is my idea of the perfect woman.  She is not really skinny and she has the beautiful face.  She likes tattoos and is not afraid to show them off.  I was completely infatuated with her from the first time that I saw Charmed.  It is almost and unnatural lust that I have for her.  If I knew how to do it, I think that I would stalk her and be that kind of guy.

            I also have five honorable mentions in no particular order:

Courteney Cox-Arquette

Minnie Driver

Avril Lavigne

Rose McGowan

Debbe Dunning

So, again, I ask you, “who would you ask forgiveness from your spouse to sleep with if you had the chance?”  If you can’t be honest and name someone other than your spouse or significant other, don’t even bother to respond.  This is fantasy.  There is no way that this person is ever going to find you and fall in love with you.  Please be honest with yourself and realize that even though your heart it truly taken by someone, everyone dreams about someone else.  It is human nature, so don’t try and fight it.

Disclaimer: Everything I write should be taken with a grain of salt. While I stand by everything I have ever written (with the exception of me having a small penis) it is my opinion multiplied by 10 for the sake of humor. Nothing in my blogs should ever be taken personally by anyone.

I am sure you have all heard about Anna Nicole Smith untimely death. I bet you are wondering why I am talking about? I was not her biggest fan by all means. I did not follow her life at all and I do not know much about her. I do think she was gorgeous when she was younger and had a fantastic smile.

After I heard about her death yesterday, I felt for those who loved her. Shortly after that, I noticed how people were talking. The media was having a hay day and people were posting blog comments all over.

What were they saying?

They were saying she was a worthless member of society, a horrible mother, and that her baby would have a better life without her.

I was appalled. I was angry. What type of society do we live in that says these types of things right after someone passes. These people did not live with her. They do not know her at all. Furthermore, does it really matter what you think of her. Does that really matter at all? Where is the respect for her passing?

I have never been one to judge people on the TV. I do not believe anything I read unless it comes from their mouth. People will say “but I read it” and I will say “yeah but did you hear it from their mouth.” I find it appalling that people believe all the gossip magazines and gossips shows put out there.

She was a human being with feelings and family. Let us respect that.

Maybe this is a bit naive, but it is my feelings, I was angry by the media, and I appalled by the ignorant responses to her death.

I hope that we do not start talking about everyone that we think is worthless like that when they pass. Gosh, I hope not.

What even gets me more is people made such a big deal about that Snickers commercial that played during the Super Bowl last week. People were so offended that snickers pulled the commercial. So we are appalled by a comical commercial but we talk crap for hours about a human being and no one stops that?!?!

Does this make sense to you?????

We had been dating for about a month. Her friends were hanging out with my friends going to this bar that I could not stand. She was sweet, but starting to get a bit clingy. She started to complain that we never did anything alone. So, I saw there was a Weezer tribute band playing one night. I asked her to go, just the two of us. She was so excited. So, I went to her place to pick her up. She was still getting ready when I got there.

She said, “I talk to the gang and told them we would meet them at Romeo’s later.” That’s the bar I hate.

“When?”

She said, “Like 11:30.”

“Well, our show starts at 11 and is on the other side of town.”

“Can we leave it early?”

Now it’s been made abundantly clear to me that she wants to go to this fucking bar…again. I am not thrilled about it but…

“Do you want to skip the show and just go to Romeo’s?”

I can’t believe I just asked that.

She lights up and says, “Yeah, let’s do that.”

We had some time to kill before Romeo’s so I decided to take her to a bar where a friend was at to have some drinks early. But I am fucking fuming. I don’t want to go to this bar. I want to see the show. I thought she wanted to be alone, and all the while I am paying for all of this shit. FUCK!!!

As we are driving to meet my friend, I am fucking strangling my steering wheel turning bright red. Why am I doing this? I would rather stay home. No, I am not doing this. I turned the car around.

“What are you doing?” She said.

“I am taking you home so you can go to Romeo’s. I am going to the show.”

“No no no! I will go with you.”

“That ship has sailed.”

“Why?”

“Because if you are bored, I am going to feel like I forced you into this, and you made it abundantly clear you aren’t interested in going. Good night.”

And I dropped her ass off. Am I a dick? Did I over react?

Disclaimer: Everything I write should be taken with a grain of salt. While I stand by everything I have ever written (with the exception of me having a small penis) it is my opinion multiplied by 10 for the sake of humor. Nothing in my blogs should ever be taken personally by anyone.